Fighting through the Fear – One Day at A Time

So.. this blog is NOTHING about being an admin. It’s just about being human……..


Hundreds and thousands of tweets, posts and commentary on the tragedy in Newtown, CT.

The horror strikes at the heart and the most understandable reaction is to retreat..

What happens when something horrible happens? When something goes to such a dark space–  we can’t even begin to cope.

I call it the bounceback issue.  I’m not a psychiatrist or social worker or any kind of doctor.  I’m just a human being that’s dealt with my own fair share of trauma, which next to most things we’ve seen in around the globe in the last twenty years.. seems fairly petty.  To me it isn’t.  I lived it. I survived it.  but not initially….

Initially I drowned it. I drowned it in anything that would keep me from feeling anything..  Busywork. Travel. Food. Alcohol. Drama….. then I grew up a tiny bit.. when one day I came to the obvious realization that I wasn’t the only person in the world that had ever had anything awful happen to them.  I began to be able to empathize with others going through their own personal struggles. I learned to recognize that I had come through some pretty challenging situations.. and was doing just fine.

I heard this great speaker once, and he was talking about his very impoverished and trying childhood.  How awful his Dad was. With a belt. Still he said, (to paraphrase)’ it didn’t matter (to me) if he was a good dad or a bad dad.. He was MY dad.’ We hold onto what we do have, no?

Resiliency is a trait that is a big deal to Americans. We love to talk about how we bounceback from horrific events.. it’s almost a weird badge of honor.

What I know from my own personal experience, is the worry that one day…. my bounceback won’t bounceback.  That optimism and faith I own, will have drained out the tank and there will be none left to find. This is how I feel when I learn in the media of another shooting, another murder-suicide, another natural disaster. So, my prescription is to retreat.  No more news watching. Period. ( I did this for a majority of time 3 mos after 9/11.)

Retreat. Pray. Meditate. Put things that matter to me in perspective. Ask what can I do about all this?

I can be kinder. More patient. Ask for forgiveness. Offer others forgiveness. Remember that I am most certainly NOT the only person that has lost a loved one, dealt with heartbreak, lost all material possessions, been stung by disbelief and disheartenment.

Tonight I sit at home.  With a gratitude list that is enormous…. and enormous sadness that scares me.  I will fight through the fear. I will lean on my gratitude list and the people that love me. I will count on my ‘bounceback’ eventually stopping by…

Author: AdminRenegade

Storyteller. Wicked sense of humor. Tenacious learner, Coffee Lover, especially Dunkin' Donuts.